


Everything must go

by noneedforgoodsouls



Series: Small black flowers that grow in the sky [2]
Category: Manic Street Preachers, james dean bradfield - Fandom, nicky wire - Fandom, richey edwards - Fandom, sean moore - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Science Fiction, Time Travel, manic street preachers - Freeform, scifi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-18 19:23:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20196817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noneedforgoodsouls/pseuds/noneedforgoodsouls
Summary: This is the second volume of my previous fic "faceless sense of void".It's set on 1995. A day before Richey disappears.TW: Explicit language / sex scenes / (self harm) cutting





	1. The girl who wanted to be God

January 31st, 1995 – London

You get off the bus shaking. Your legs lead the way but you are not sure if you are walking. It’s a cold and wet afternoon in London. You have been travelling since the morning from some smelly shithole in Yorkshire. There has not been enough speed to get you at that exact same location fast enough. You feel like you’re gonna be sick. You enter the Embassy hotel and sit on the leather seats at the lounge until you recover. The smell of leather makes you gag. The water bottle feels warm and stagnant. You decide to have a drink anyway. Yep. Warm and stagnant as you imagined. Your head weighs a ton and your legs become noodles. You ask the clerk where the bathroom is. You go in and find the nearest toilet. You wretch and feel the throbbing pain on both of your temples, as tears run down your cheeks. You taste the bitter bile in your mouth, you look down the sink and notice a couple of drops of blood. You must have thrown up very hard. You get up grasping the stall and wash your face in the sink. Grab your toothbrush and toothpaste from your carrier bag and try not to gag and the menthol smell. You spit some foam into the sink, more blood with mint. You rinse your face again and stare at the mirror while the drops of sweat cool your skin.  
Looking at your reflection, you start the feminine ritual of putting make-up. It is not as elaborated as you would have wanted. But it is what you could grab, while not being so sure whether you would make it this time. How many times did you go into that black hole and ended up somewhere else, or at the exact same point? You have lost count. So many trials and errors, and finally you stand a few stories below him. You squirt a bit of foundation onto your skin. You notice a few wrinkles that weren’t there before. It must be the light, you try to reassure yourself. You know you are ageing but you’re not quite sure how old you are anymore. You could be 20. 35, 100 years old. In this case; time is literally a social construct.  
You will go for a smokey eye, just like you remember him wearing the night you met. Liquid black eyeliner, charcoal crease and silver eyeshadow. You think of Bardot, Sofia Loren, Jane Birkin… All those beautiful icons who rock the cat eye look better than you do. Oh God, you sigh to yourself. What if he doesn’t remember you anymore? What if he changed his mind? Or worse. What if he’s already dead. Nude. Nude lips. You will go with smokey eye and nude lips.  
You make your way to reception  
\- Welcome to the Embassy hotel. What can I do for you? –  
His name tag says “Alex”. Alex has pale skin, and pale eyes, he’s almost an albino but not quite. He looks not older than 20, and has big thick glasses. Probably some NHS glasses inherited from an older brother.  
\- Hey…. Uhmm, I would like a room  
\- Single or double  
\- Single.  
\- Ok… How long are you staying with us?  
\- No clue  
\- Right… ehmm… I’ll book you a room for the night, and tomorrow you can decide if you want to stay longer. Sounds good?  
\- Yes. Thank you  
\- No problem… Payment?  
\- Cash – You hand him the wrinkled notes.  
\- Alright. Here’s your receipt. Your room number will be 426, and if you need anything; anything, just press the zero on your phone – He muttered  
\- Thank you – you walk fast to the stairs.  
-  
An elevator would be too tricky for a first meeting. You decide to walk the 4 stories up. You read he is in this hotel with James. This whole thing is tricky. 426. Four two six. You get to the floor and it smells like stale cigarettes and wine. The carpet looks old and dark. You still feel a little bit ill. You walk through the hall with left arm on the wall for support. Four two six. You put the key into the door and open it. You instantly lay on the bed. You wish the time machine had some artefact in which you could stop time. You go to the mini fridge and grab three small bottles of rum. You drink all of them. You know you do not have much time. The articles say that he will disappear in less than 24 hours.  
You rest both of your hands on your stomach and stare at the ceiling. The papers said he most likely had committed suicide by jumping from the Severn Bridge. You know time is running out. You said you would never break your rule of altering timelines, but he is worth it. You are certain of it. You don’t care about the consequences. He can be saved and that is why you spent so much time and hurt trying to get back to him. Images of him during your research start to invade your mind. The self-inflicted cuts, the sunken cheeks, the lyrics. Those haunting lyrics from their last album. The Holy Bible. What a fitting set of words. A small sting of guilt start to fill your head. You take a deep breath.  
\- Let’s get this shit over with – You sigh to yourself. You put on your leather jacket and head to room 516.  
You walk through the hall very slowly with your hand on the wall. It took you four years of this timeline to see him again. What if he tells you to fuck off? What if he wants nothing to do with you? Worse. What if he forgot you? You choke at the thought. Either way, you are there now, Que será, será…  
You stand in front of room 516. There is a “do not disturb sign”. You knock on the door three times.  
\- Sod off! – you hear faintly through the door  
\- Richard – You mumbled  
No response. You knock once again this time harder. You put your head against the door and hear footsteps coming your way. You hold your breath and look down. The door opens. You gasp as you look at the fragile man standing in front of you. His cheeks are sunken and his eyes look dark. His head is shaven and his skin is almost see through. He’s barefoot wearing a blue and white stripped pajamas. You can hear him breathe louder as he slams the door open and grabs you by the arm pulling you inside. You lose balance and end up on the carpet  
\- You fucking bitch –  
He stares at you from the entrance and slams the door shut. He begins walking from one side to the other. You stare at his feet. Too scared to look up. He suddenly stops and he heads towards the small bathroom. You hear the door slammed shut. You gather up courage, stand up, and follow him. The door is locked.  
\- Richard  
\- Fuck off  
\- open up  
\- You have… no right  
\- No right of what  
\- Showing up like this. Now.  
\- Open up, please  
\- What for?  
\- I have… I’ve got to see you  
\- Oh, you came to see the freak show?  
\- No  
\- There’s nothing to see  
\- You’re wrong  
\- What the fuck do you want?  
\- You  
\- I am dead already  
\- I am not leaving, Richard.  
\- Fuck you  
\- I tried so many times to come back  
\- It’s too late  
\- No, It’s not  
\- Just… just leave, please  
\- I am not going anywhere until you open this door  
\- Came to see the scars?  
\- No, Richard. Stop it  
\- It’s over.  
\- I need you to open up  
\- What for? You are not even real  
\- The fuck I’m not  
\- I’m hallucinating, leave me alone  
\- Jesus Christ. That’s what they made you believe? I am so sorry, Richard  
\- Please  
\- I am staying here and I’m not moving an inch  
There’s silence for a few minutes. You hear the door unlock. You touch it slowly and open it up. You see a fragile man sitting on the toilet facing down. Drops of blood on the floor coming from his slashed chest. His hand still trembling holding a razor blade.  
\- Jesus fucking Christ  
You run to him, snatch the razor blade from his hand, and toss it onto the sink. You kneel down next to him and hold his head with both of your hands.  
\- Look at me – You demand  
\- I can’t – He whispers with his eyes closed  
\- Wanna know if I’m fucking real?  
You take the blood- stained razor blade and cut your arm. You gasp at the unexpected pain. Oh shit. This was a bad idea. You regret the minute the razor blade entered your skin. Your eyes start to swell up as tears run down your cheeks. Your breathing accelerates as your hands shake.  
\- Fucking there – You rub your bloody arm all over his face – Fucking happy? Hallucinations don’t bleed. I fucking do.  
He looks up at you. He slowly starts touching your face, your neck and shoulders. He looks up as trying to process everything. Your arms instantly wrap him like a child to his mother. He tries to let go but he is weak.  
\- Let go  
\- I won’t  
\- Please  
\- No  
\- What the fuck took you so long?  
He finally gives up and sobs quietly on your shoulder.


	2. Removables

There’s a knock on the door.   
\- Oi! Richeeey!! Open up! – James shouts through the door  
\- Just a minute! – Rich says while putting buttoning up his blood-stained pajamas. He washes the blood off his face – Stay here – Richey whispers as he heads to the door.   
\- ‘kin hell… fuck happened to you?  
\- Nothing  
\- You …motherless fuck…   
There’s silence  
\- For fuck’s sakes Richey. – he throws a fist to the wall – stop doing this shite! – he roared   
\- Stop  
\- No, you fucking stop – He snaps - Tell me what the fuck you want, and I’ll get it for ya  
\- Don’t…  
\- I just don’t get it, mate. Wanna leave the band? Done. Wanna just write lyrics and do artwork? Done. Want to keep going with us and let everything burn? FUCKING DONE, MATE – he exasperatedly barked  
\- Stop yelling, please  
\- For fucks sake’s. Please. Lad, stop hurting yourself.   
\- I’m okay now.   
James gets on the nearest chair and lights up a cigarrete, his hands are shaking with anger and confusion  
\- How bad is it? – he asked  
\- Remember Bankok?  
\- Yeah… Right. Okay, let me call a doctor, a vet. Someone  
\- I’ll be alright  
\- You worry me, Rich  
\- I know. I am sorry  
\- It’s okay, mate. I love you  
\- I love you too  
\- Just stop doing this shit, man  
\- I will. This is the last time  
\- I’ll have Nicky call you   
\- Don’t.   
\- Why?  
\- You know Wire, he’ll be on the first train with his first aid kit  
\- And his fucking nurse outfit  
\- I promise I’ll be okay, Bradders  
\- Are you still up for the cinema?   
\- I think I’ll pass  
\- Are you going to be okay by yourself?  
\- I am not by myself  
\- Oh?   
\- Her name is Vivian.   
\- You got a girl here?  
\- Mhhm..  
\- …and you’re crying like a poof.  
\- Piss off.  
\- And you were considered the sexiest musician by the NME  
\- Twice!   
\- Yeah motherfucker. Twice. I know.   
\- James.   
\- Yeah, love?  
\- Thank you  
\- Just pull yourself together, lad   
\- I will. Everything is good now  
\- Bloody hope so. We have a flight to catch tomorrow  
James holds Richey in his arms in a brotherly hug.  
\- I love you, you daft cunt  
\- Love you too Bradders  
\- I’ll come over to check on you after the movie is done.   
\- You don’t have to do that  
\- Oi!, it’s either me or Mr, Hall or nothing  
\- We don’t want that  
\- The fuck we do.   
\- Later, man  
\- See ya, Android 

You get out of the bathroom and sit on the bed with the first aid kit on your hands. You signal him to sit down and he obeys. You button down his shirt and look at the scars and blood. You soak up the cotton pads in alcohol. You already sorted your own arm.   
\- So my name is Vivian eh?  
Richey giggles and puts both of his hands on his eyes, wiping the last bits of tears left.   
\- It’s the first name that came to my brain  
\- You could have told him the truth  
\- He doesn’t like you too much  
\- I wonder why  
\- He blames you for my cuckoo’s nest antics  
\- That’s a relief…  
\- A relief how   
You feel goosebumps as you try to hide your face remising the last encounter you had with James in Cardiff all those years ago. Richey is studying your face. You accidentally drop the first aid kit. A bunch of cotton pads are on the carpet. You quickly get on your knees to pick them up.   
\- Look what you made me do with all this gore.   
\- You’re fine  
\- Tell me something so I don’t have to think about what I’m doing  
\- We are off to America tomorrow  
\- I know  
\- How do you know?  
\- I went to the future. I read about you  
\- What am I gonna do now?  
\- If I tell you, it might affect your decision  
\- I had already made a decision before you walked through that door  
\- What’s that?  
\- I’d just gotten off the phone with my mother. I was saying goodbye. I had already said goodbye to the boys.  
He groans as you put the cotton pads on his slashed wounds.   
\- I am sorry  
\- It’s okay. Thank you  
\- Don’t do this again please   
\- I will try. It’s just hard to cope with everything… I thought you weren’t coming back  
\- I tried so many times to come back for you. I could never get it right. I ended up in so many places. Weird coordinates and dates.   
\- If you know what’s going to happen. Aren’t you alternating timelines now?  
\- I don’t give a fuck anymore  
\- Why?   
\- You need to come with me if you wanna live.  
\- Nicky was right when he called you terminator bird – Richey weakly giggles   
You examine his chest as you put on bandages. You feel his eyes on you.   
\- You’ve changed  
\- Says the motherfucker with a shaved head  
\- No, I mean… You seem tougher now  
\- People don’t change. They just get old   
\- I missed your one-liners  
\- Yeah, I listened to them on GATS and THB, you cheeky twat  
\- There were some songs about you  
\- Don’t think so  
\- I wrote the chorus of Sleepflower the morning you left   
\- That’s hardly a love song  
\- I thought I dreamt you. Like in that book by Easton Ellis. American Psycho. The ending. Where you don’t know what’s real and what’s on his head. Nicky and Sean tried to make me believe that it was all in my head. That you were an extension of myself. I thought I was going mad. I kind of understand what they were trying to do, but fucking hell… Nicky said it was better for me to think I was crazy than to accept you were gone.   
\- I am sorry. I left you a note  
\- I didn’t see any note.   
\- Maybe they hid it.   
\- They put me in a looney bin. I started to believe I was really crazy. That you were not real. I had no way to prove you existed. Not even a photograph  
\- I left you the kindle.   
\- That was gone after you left as well.   
\- Oh  
\- Why did you leave so fast?  
\- I had to  
\- I know. But why?  
\- Just knew it’d be hard to leave you.   
\- I just wished you’d stayed longer. Or let me come with you  
\- Couldn’t do either.   
\- And now?  
\- We can do anything you want.   
\- I want to leave with you  
\- You have about 7 hours to decide  
\- My decision was made the minute you walked in  
You stand up holding back the tears and looking away. You hear him stand up groaning and he puts your arms around your waist from behind. His head on your shoulder. You hear him breathe slowly.   
\- I missed you so much, Richard  
\- I know  
He turns you around. You look into his eyes and he kisses you slowly. You wrap your arms around his back. You feel his bones through the thin layer of fabric. His hands stand on your hips. You respond to the kiss by wrapping your arms around his neck. You close your eyes and let yourself go in the moment he goes down to kiss your neck. His breathing gets heavy. He lifts your shirt up and throws it on the floor. You lock mouths once again. He starts kissing your neck further down until he kneels down in front of you. He carefully buttons down his shirt while staring at your navel. You caress his head and neck. He grabs your zipper and slowly undoes it. You help him by pulling your trousers down. You put your hands on his shoulder for balance and remove the trousers. You’re down to nothing but knickers and bra. He pulls back a couple of feet and looks at you. He sits on the bed. He grabs your hands and takes a long time to look at you from head to toe. He stands up and lays you down.   
\- You are perfect  
He mumbles while he takes off his pajama trousers. He kisses you slowly. He seems distracted and you notice he is trembling. You break the kiss and lock eyes with him. He is shivering and sweating cold.   
\- Are you okay? – You ask  
\- Yes… I just…   
\- What’s wrong?   
\- I just can’t believe you are actually here  
\- Well… I am – you whisper as you kiss his forehead  
\- As stupid as it may sound. I’m still pretty much overwhelmed by all of this  
\- Don’t worry.   
\- I feel like if I close my eyes, or if I stop looking at you, you’ll vanish  
\- I didn’t bring handcuffs, you know  
\- Fuck off – he laughs out loud  
\- Do me a favour then?  
\- Yeah?  
\- Hold me.


	3. This joke sport severed

You wake up and look at your watch. 10 pm. Richey is on his side asleep. You look at him for a minute. He is worth it, you think to yourself. You go through his’s suitcase and fetch a long sleeve shirt. You put it on. It’s almost too tight. What happened to him? You fold the shirt back in his place. You dress in your clothes. You notice there are no cigarettes left and you are starting to feel hungry and thirsty. You leave the room slowly as quiet as you can. You feel renewed as you exit the room. You head to yours. You slide the key slowly and head directly to the bathroom. Decide to take a hot shower before you check out. After you get dressed quickly, you drink 3 more small bottles of rum from the fridge. You walk to reception with a huge smile on your face.   
\- Hi yeah, I’d like to check out please  
\- Leaving us so soon?  
\- Something came up  
\- Something wrong with your room?  
\- No, it was lovely.   
\- Alright… just sign here and we’ll be done  
\- Thank you. By the way, where can I buy cigarettes?  
\- There’s a corner shop at the right. They close at 11  
\- Right. Thanks, Can I leave my bag here?  
\- Sure thing  
\- I’ll be back. I am just visiting a friend in room 516  
\- No problem, miss  
\- Room 516, eh? – You hear a familiar voice from behind you. You freeze on the spot and are too scared to look back. You head down trying to ignore him. Maybe he will go away.   
\- You must be Vivian – He insists  
\- Yes – You mutter  
James leans on the desk to your right; you look away covering your face. You can smell his perfume. Old Spice like all those years ago. You feel his eyes examining you.   
\- I have to go – you manage to say  
\- This is a rather shit part of town. I’ll walk you to the corner shop to get some fags  
\- I’m okay. Thanks   
You turn your back at him and head to the door as fast as you can. He speeds up and gets on the door blocking the way out. You sigh, and look up. With a death stare, you look right into his brown eyes.   
\- Get the FUCK out of my way- You whisper as you shove him to the side  
\- ‘kin ell. It’s YOU! – he manages to say before grabbing your arm – Now, now Brazilian. Manners.   
\- I swear I’ll fucking murder you if you don’t let go of me  
He lets go of your arm with a grin on his face. He starts following you from a few steps behind as you speed up.   
\- It really is a shitty part of town, you know? It wouldn’t be very gentleman of me to let a young defenceless foreign woman walking by herself at night  
\- Fuck off! - You snap without looking back. You enter the corner shop quickly. You notice James standing outside, lighting up a cigarette. He starts whistling the tune of what seems to be “I can’t take my eyes off you. You grab some crisps, a bottle of vodka and orange juice. Two packs of pallmalls, gum, three egg salad sandwiches. The man at the cashier hands you a bag.   
\- Will that be all, miss?  
\- Yes, thank you  
\- Is that man outside with you?  
\- Yes – You sigh  
\- I can call the police, you know  
\- It’s okay, thank you. Keep the change  
You grab the bag and exit the corner shop  
\- Are we having a picnic?  
\- Fuck off, James  
\- I think you and I need to have a little conversation  
\- I have nothing to say to you  
\- I beg to differ, love  
\- You raped me, you cunt  
\- Now, now Brazilian. That is not what happened  
\- Oh yeah?  
\- Aye…You came on my face, and you kissed me while I was going balls deep in you  
\- S--Stop  
\- I kept silent all these years, because somehow Richey got fucking stuck on you, if I had said a word, he wouldn’t be with us today  
\- What’s your point?  
\- I have to make sure he stays alive this time  
\- Yeah, you’ve done a magnificent job so far  
\- Watch it, Brazilian  
\- He is stronger than you think  
\- The fuck do you know? You were just a shag after a gig. I’ve known him since I was 5. Get that into your daft little head   
\- What a best friend you are, shagging someone he cares for   
\- Do you have any idea how many birds have been on his bed after our gigs? Younger and way fitter than you are. Sometimes we would even share girls. You’re nothing special, sweetheart  
\- Yet, you’re still here trying to stop me from seeing him   
\- ‘Cos you’re an evil cunt. You got him all dumb with that time travelling bollocks. At least our groupies were honest. Stupid and naive little sluts, but they were true. Unlike yourself, you pretentious whore.  
\- Your mother must be so proud  
\- I have an idea, Brazilian… Hear me out. How about we go to his room and tell him what we did while he was asleep?  
\- You wouldn’t dare  
\- Fuck…he deserves some truth. And you’re obviously not gonna give him any  
\- I am going to tell him, just not now  
\- Oh I think now is the perfect time   
\- Are you that fucking jealous of him? It’s pathetic   
\- You have no clue what you’re talking about  
\- Oh I think I know. It must have burnt like hell to think that you have this amazing voice, and are so motherfucking skilful on your guitar, yet the press, the girls and every fucking soul on this planet still think he’s the leader of the band. Not you. Him.  
\- You should really shut the fuck up now   
\- 20 years from now, when people talk about your band. They’ll talk about him. Not you.  
\- You got heart, kid…you went too fucking far  
\- You wanted to talk. Let’s fucking talk   
\- In front of him   
\- This is between you and me  
\- I knew you were gonna be trouble the minute I saw you   
\- Too bad you can’t turn back time and I can  
\- Still on that time travelling bollocks, eh?  
\- I couldn’t give a flying fuck if you believe me. I am not leaving Richey.   
\- I’ll race ya to his room, you fucking Yoko acting bitch  
James storms off back to the hotel. You stay perplexed as he quickly runs You’re fucked. You walk on autopilot. You sit on the stairs and light up a cigarette. He is gonna hate you or even worse, hurt himself. Your hands are shaking from the cold and fear. You suddenly start to feel ill again. You leave the bags on your side and head to a bush. You wretch as the same bitter bile from earlier exit your mouth. You notice more blood. Maybe you need to eat something. You pick up the grocery bags and head to the toilet. You rinse your mouth and wash your face. You take the pack of gum and put two strips on your tongue. You sit on the floor under the sink. You start feeling yourself again. You know you don’t have much time. He will be missing in less than 8 hours.   
You breathe deeply as you turn the key to the room. To your surprise, the room is exactly as you had left it. Richey sleeps peacefully. You turn on the lamp of the little desk and fetch the sandwich and orange juice. With every chew you cannot take your mind off James. What is his plan? Why would he tell you all of that and make you believe he was gonna tell Richey everything?. You sip more orange juice to clear the knot in yout throat. But you realize that it’s not from the frozen sandwich, but you’re scared to know what James might do. You’re walking on thin ice and you know it. Maybe it’s best that you go talk to him face to face. You sigh and add some vodka to your orange juice bottle. You drink it all. Light up a cigarette and heads towards James’ room next door.   
\- Ahh the angel of death has arrived.   
\- Okay what the fuck do you want  
\- We need to talk, yeah?   
\- I believe we have said everything we wanted to say to each other  
\- You’re wrong, love  
\- Okay what then  
\- You still want that copy of our EP?  
\- Oh fuck off  
\- Just kidding. Listen… Have a seat. We kinda went off our heads earlier. I am sorry about that  
\- Mhhmm  
\- Look…Reech is very ill. It has taken a toll on the guys and myself. The label is about to drop us and Richey’s nihilistic fucking depressing tantrums are not helping   
\- Okay…  
\- Now you’re back… from whatever the hell you came from  
\- Mmhmm  
\- Fuck… I’ve never been good with words. What I’m trying to say. If you stay, can you sort him out?  
\- I am staying this time  
\- It’s been downhill since you left. He has always been quiet, id call him android. Fuck, I still do. After you showed up he was never the same. He was on this quest to find you. Nick had the great idea of making him believe he made you up. You know, to make things easy on the lad. But it made things worse. I just want my friend to be happy. And he’s not happy right now  
\- I didn’t mean to hurt him or any of this to happen  
\- But it did. Now he’s a former shell of himself. With the lads we don’t know what else to do. If you can sort him out… like really sort him out, I’d be forever grateful  
\- I can try  
\- I am glad we got to this agreement. Now on the other hand…  
\- What  
\- Us…  
\- There’s no us, James  
\- If you want to be Richey Manic’s wife living in Ladbroke grove, with a Chihuahua and 6 mixed raced children, I’m all for it. But as of now…right this second…  
He gets close to you, like an animal to his prey. You close your eyes as you don’t want any of this to happen. But deep down you do. For some reason you are not physically able to tell no to James and that scares you. As he gets close, you feel goosebumps and he quietly sniffs you. You shiver as you feel his hot breath on your skin. He studies your reactions.   
\- James…don’t  
\- You want this as much as I do  
\- But Richey…  
\- Can you keep a secret? – He whispers and he goes straight to your neck  
You close your eyes not wanting to look at what he is about to do. He grabs your arms and turns you around. His hands go down your crotch as he bites your back and neck. Your hands down on the table to counter balance to his body. You feel how he quickly removes your shirt and undoes your bra. He puts one hand on your neck and the other on your breasts. His mouth on your ear  
\- I want to hear you   
He grabs yours jeans and pushes them down. He slaps your arse. He kneels down and removes your panties. You froze. There is nothing you can do to stop him and you don’t want to. He bites your ass cheek. He gets up and licks your back. He grabs you tightly by the arms and turns you around. He doesn’t do much but looking at your lips. You lean to kiss him and he moves away grinning. It’s a game. It’s all a fucking game to him and you fell into it. You grab his jeans to pull him close and start undoing them   
\- Manners, Brazilian.   
He whispers as he grabs you by the neck and pushes you hard to the bed. He orders you to turn around and you obey. He continues to undo his pants and positions himself behind you. You feel his hard cock inside you without much warning. He grabs your hips and you move up and down on his cock. He grabs you by the hair and slaps your ass. He bites your shoulder and you hear him moan on your ear. For a moment you think you heard the door opening. But you don’t pay attention to it. You look at the door again and it’s closed. Might be the booze, the anger, the shame making you feel strange. James thrusts each time harder and faster. He moves his hand to your pussy and rubs your clit gently but firm. You feel that tingling sensation again. You start to feel it in your toes, as James rubs harder. His breathing is heavier and he starts to moan louder. You can feel it too. Then it’s there. You feel shaking all over your body and you feel his cum filling you up  
He collapses on your back trying to catch his breath. You open your eyes and the first thing you see is the door slightly open. Richey. A sharp pain goes through your gut.   
\- Oh shit  
\- What?   
\- Does Richey have a key to your room?   
\- Yeah  
\- Ah fuck  
\- What?  
\- He got in  
\- The fuck you on about  
\- Shut it.   
No, no, and no. You stupid little slut. You did it again. He saw you getting fucked. Oh fuck. This is all fucking wrong. This is not how things were supposed to go. You start dressing very fast by instinct. James watches your frantic performance from the bed.   
\- No one opened the door, Brazilian – he giggles  
\- Don’t – You snap back  
You quietly enter the room but Richey is gone. He left his suitcase. His small backpack nowhere to be seen. You feel a tingling sensation run through your body. You read about this. You grab your back and run to reception. Alex is not there anymore. Some ginger girl named Tori is at reception.   
\- Uhmm yeah. I got a friend in room 516, went to his room and he wasn’t there. Has he checked out?   
\- Let me check… no. the guest is still with us  
\- Did you see a man about 5’10, Caucasian with a shaved head? Did he leave?  
\- I think I saw someone like that heading to the car park  
\- Thanks   
You run to the carpark. There’s not one single Silver Vauxhall. You run back to reception.   
\- I am sorry to bother you again. Could you call me a taxi?  
\- Of course. Where to?  
\- Cardiff


	4. William's last words

You ask the driver if you can sleep in the car. You pay him in advance. You close your eyes for what it seemed like a second. You open them up and see the car parked outside of Richey’s flat. You exit the car and go straight to the car park. His car has not arrived yet. You decide to head to his door and wait there. You sit on the floor leaning on his door. You start biting your nails as you know you’re running out of time.   
\- How the fuck di—nevermind.   
\- Richard  
\- You should leave  
\- No. let me explain  
\- There’s nothing to explain – He says as he enters the key to his flat  
\- You’re nothing but a slut. A groupie  
\- Fair enough. Lash out on me but I need to explain, then I can leave you alone if that’s what you want  
\- I’m done   
\- That’s cool but hear me out  
\- What the hell for? It’s all rubbish  
\- You can decide later. Let me in, I don’t have much time   
\- You have 5 minutes – He sighs  
He gets in and leaves the door open for you. He places his car keys, his tollbooth ticket, some change in coins and his passport on the table. He sits on the floor avoiding looking at you. You sigh and sit at his dinner table.   
\- It all started the morning after we were together, I went to take a shower and he entered the bathroom. I thought it was you at first. He grabbed me by the knees and I couldn’t let go  
\- Was he good?  
\- Don’t do this, Rich  
\- You started it  
\- I couldn’t say no. he was already down there and it just got…  
\- Answer  
\- Why do you do this?  
\- All of you have been lying to me for years  
\- After it was done, I couldn’t stay to tell you what had happened. I had to leave or I would have died.   
\- Uh?  
\- See… There can’t be two “me” on the same timeline. I had a couple of minutes left after it was done. I wrote you a note and I left. There was nothing I could do  
\- Why didn’t you say anything tonight?  
\- How could I? You were a fucking mess. My arm still hurts. I’ve thrown up at least 3 times so far  
\- Any reason why you ended up on his bed again?  
\- After we were together, I went to reception to check out and to get cigs from the corner shop. He was there. He recognized me. We had a nasty argument and then he stormed off saying he was going to your room to tell you everything.   
\- And..?  
\- I went to your room, he wasn’t there and you were asleep. Just like I had left earlier. I tried to calmed down but I couldn’t so I went to his room to ask what the fuck is wrong with him?  
\- So you tripped, fell and landed on his cock  
\- It’s more complicated than that. He was saying how worried he was for you, that if I could truly make you get better, he would be happy, however…  
\- Yes?  
\- Well he started getting near and breathing heavy… and I just couldn’t. He means nothing to me. I came back for you. Not him.   
\- Are you through?  
\- Yes  
\- What’s gonna happen to me?  
\- Don’t  
\- I’d say you’re pretty much on fucking thin ice to withhold any information  
\- It’s going to affect your decision  
\- It’s all fucked anyway  
\- Yes, but…  
\- The minute you entered my life…  
\- Richard  
\- You couldn’t just be a fucking groupie like the rest of them. You had to open your fucking mouth about the future and shite. You knew what you were doing, for all I know, you planned this all along  
\- No, Richard…   
\- This is worse than thinking you’re crazy. I can’t trust anyone. So what’s the point?  
With tears in your eyes, you take an NME magazine from your bag. Richey was on the cover. With the title “remembering 40 years without the lyrical genius”.   
\- Richard James Edwards – You start reading - also known as Richey James, was a welsh musician who was the lyricist and rhythm guitarist of the alternative rock band Manic Street Preachers. Edwards disappeared on February 1st, 1995, on the day he and James Dean Bradfield were due to fly to the United States on a promotional tour. His silver Vauxhall Cavalier car was found near the Severn Bridge View Station, two weeks later on February 17th, Police discovered the battery to be dead, with evidence that the car had been lived in. Since no remains of Edwards have ever been found, it is widely believed that Edwards took his own life by jumping from the notorious suicide spot. On November 23rd, 2008, Edwards was declared dead in absentia. He would have been 40 years old.   
His face down in silence. You throw the magazine at his feet  
\- There. There’s your Rock God myth bullshit. Did it better than Kurt or Ian. You fucking disappeared from the face of the earth. Read all about it. Your band continued without you. You remember your manifesto that you would never write a love song? All the love songs they wrote afterwards are all about you. I didn’t come to ask you to come with me. I came to implore you to not take your own life. When I left, all I could think about was you, and to ask you to come with me after you had done the greatest album in music history, which you did. Then I began to listen to everything the band had done after you left. The pain in Nick’s eyes every fucking time he mentioned you in interviews, the heart-breaking lyrics about cherry blossom trees and shit. I realized then, that I couldn’t take you with me. You need to stay in those boys’ lives.   
He grabs the magazine from the floor and starts to read in silence. Tears are running down his cheeks.   
\- I need to throw up  
He doesn’t say anything. You go to the bathroom and wretch what you had eaten. You hear his footsteps slowly. He puts a hand on your back and flushes the toilet when you’re done. He hands you a wet towel. You sit on the floor, leaning against the bathtub.   
\- Thank you   
\- How much time do you have left?  
\- About 3 hours – you say before putting the wet towel on your face  
\- Does James know I’m here?  
\- No. He was asleep when I left  
\- I have to show you something  
You don’t say anything and he takes your hand and lifts you up. You get on the passenger seat and he drives. There is no sound but the voice of Kurt Cobain singing his last fatal lines on “In Utero”. You think of saying something, but you don’t. There’s nothing much to say. Everything is at stake and you know it. His hand is holding the gear stick so tight you can notice his knuckles turn white. You put your hand on top of his, and he slowly starts to lose the tension. His eyes are still on the road.   
He parks at some service station at the end of bridge. He still doesn’t say anything. He puts the car on park and gets out of the car. You have no clue what he is going to do. You’re too tired and too weak to say or ask anything. You get out of the car and light a cig. It’s 4:15 am.   
Richey comes back with a tray and a plastic bag. You toss your cigarette and get in the car. He pushes his seat back and hands you the tray with two very large coffee cups. He takes one cup and in exchange hands you a warm wrapped hamburger patty. He sips on his coffee as he ejects the Nirvana tape and puts an unmarked cassette. You can hear a rough demo of what you know to be “Small black flowers that grow in the sky”. Without thinking, you start mouthing the words of the song  
\- You never cease to amaze me – He finally says.   
\- What?  
\- James recorded this two months ago, and you’re already singing the lyrics  
\- It’s the 8th track on their next record   
\- What’s the name of the album?  
\- “Everything must go”  
\- That’s fitting  
\- I made a playlist of all the songs about you  
\- It’s not necessary   
\- Why are we here?  
\- Nadia… I… I’ve never been able to blend in. I did everything I was supposed to do. Went to college, got a degree. I helped my friends getting signed. We started a band, but there was always something missing. I never felt complete. Until that night you showed up. Your knowledge and intelligence were greater than anything else I had ever experienced. Before or since. I’ve always been after answers, and you were able to provide them.  
\- But…  
\- Please, let me finish…This band. My friends. They are everything to me. I have nothing aside from them. However, I am not stupid. I could be a lot of things, but not stupid. I know from the bottom of my heart, I’m holding them back. They would be better off without me. That is a fact. But, if I leave them I have nothing. The fuck am I gonna do? Go back to Cardiff? Work a 9 to 5 job? Become a hairdresser like my mam? I’d rather die. You see I have two options. A: Stay and make my friends miserable with my presence and having them resent me at the end for my inability to cope or play guitar. OR B: End this once and for all. I was going to chop my fingers off and then shoot myself. I had withdrawn a lot of money to buy a gun off the black market. Maybe pay someone else to do it for me. Either way, I was gonna end it all. Now you’re here and there’s an option C. An option I had been counting on since the morning you left. It’s a possibility out of this mess. I don’t want to die. But finding meaning; is an exercise in futility.   
\- Richard… They’ll be hurt. Not just them. Your parents, your sister.   
\- They’ll be more hurt if they find my body hanging covered in faeces. Or seeing fragments off my skull on the walls. I think this is a perfect in-between. Perhaps they can find solace imagining I’m living off-grid at some hippie community in Patagonia.   
\- If that’s your choice…  
\- It’s this or death, Nadia  
\- Done - You sigh  
\- We can still visit, right?  
\- Can you imagine the fucking turmoil if you show up?  
\- You disappeared too  
\- Yeah but I was a nobody in a foster home in South America. You’ll have people tattooing your face on their skins. Please consider this  
\- I’m dead already. If I stay, committing suicide will just be a formality. And I know I won’t last more than a couple of months  
\- At least you should write them a note. Specially to Nicky  
\- I did. I left him a box and a binder with lyrics  
\- What did the note say?  
\- “Jo: I love you”  
\- You know, the press is gonna think is a mystery girl  
\- Nicky will get it  
\- How?  
\- He was Jo, because of Jones. I was Edna, cause of Edwards.   
\- Will he know you’re safe?   
\- I kept a terminator photo all these years. You know, in case you showed up and I had to leave in a rush, Nicky would understand what it meant.   
\- You are so clever…  
\- It’s been a curse  
\- Why did you bring me here?  
\- When I was little. I wrote this story…this poem. About a little boy who wanted to get away from everything. He saw the bridge as a means to a better life. This always meant freedom to me. I thought it would be fitting to be the last thing I see before I go.   
\- It’s almost time for sunrise.  
\- The times I’ve crossed this bridge, I’ve never seen it from here  
\- We have a good view, Even though I have no idea where I’m supposed to look at  
\- It’ll come up from there – he points somewhere to your right.   
\- We won’t be able to see it from here.   
\- We’ll leave the car in a bit. I have a blanket in the boot  
\- Are you okay? You look sleepy   
\- I don’t know why… Every time you show up, I sleep so good.   
\- Am I that boring?  
\- No… it’s just peace. My brain shuts down for a moment  
He yawns and exits the car to move to the back seat. He signals you to do the same. You follow his lead. He gets close to you and puts his arms around you as you put your head on his chest. You both stay silent for a few minutes listening to the demo tapes. You can hear his heartbeat and breathing.   
\- Will you ever forgive me? – You break the silence  
\- After you left, I tried to forget you. Try to convince myself that I just hallucinated whilst pissed. I slept with so many groupies. I took advantage of so many young fans. I can’t be mad at you, because I know how aggressive James can be. He’s a total lad.  
\- I just don’t know what got into me  
\- It’s okay  
\- Are you sure?  
\- As long as you don’t sleep with Plato when I’m not looking  
\- Oh piss off  
\- Well… we haven’t had time to figure out the logistics of what we are. You are always in a hurry.  
\- But like…there’s no true love. Just a finely tuned jealousy  
\- Ha-ha. Very funny  
\- We don’t have to talk about this now.   
\- Yeah…can you stop time?  
\- Unfortunately no. God knows I’ve tried  
\- Shame… I wish I could stay like this forever.   
\- I want you to know though.   
\- Yeah?  
\- If you ever want to be back, you can…   
\- Later. Yeah?  
\- Yes.   
You noticed he fell asleep, you sit up and start going through his car. You find a small pouch with photos under the seat. His head is shaven so it must have been recent. You see his parents, his sister, his dog. A Christmas tree. You hope you are making the right decision of taking him with you. They just cannot know. After a while you start seeing the sunset come up. You wake him up with a soft kiss on his forehead. You look at your watch. You have 30 minutes left. He gets out of the car and wraps himself with a large thick wool blanket. You exit the car and get under the blanket as well. He leaves the heat, the music and the parking lights on but locks the car by instinct.   
You both start walking to the bridge. He wraps yours arms around you and you hold his hands. It’s freezing but he seems warm. As if cold does not affect him like it does to you. He stops and looks at the sunrise and the water. You look at his face for a few moments. He really is the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen.   
\- It’s so beautiful  
\- You don’t have to come with me  
\- I have to if I want to keep seeing sunrises.   
\- Are you ready?  
\- Yes  
A luminous black hole appears to your left. He looks at it frightened but curious.   
\- It doesn’t hurt  
\- What’s going to happen, though?  
\- I don’t know exactly how this works. You enter, black out and wake up at the shed in the desert. Where I found this. You set coordinates and dates and off you go again.   
\- Got it  
\- Don’t be afraid  
\- I am not   
You take his hand and together you enter the luminous black hole. Then disappear into thin air.


End file.
